And then there was you. 

Not sure what the point of recording this one is. Not after what Lydia just sent me. You haven’t sent a message back in two years, and it doesn’t look like that’s about to start now. Still, somehow putting these words out there means something. Slagged if I know. What a mind job.

The day was coming to a close pretty nicely. New airship was ours, even if it couldn’t fly. Zoe made quick work of that, though. That kid has some serious chops with machines. I gotta start learning some of this stuff, feeling kind of useless. With the engine a go, the treasure in hand, and a crew freshly paid, we headed back to the Queen’s realm to say hi.

Wish somebody had told the air traffic control.

Luckily, Min talked her way through to a landing strip near some town and we were able to get out, including Scaly Boi who was feeling a lot better after some care from Fin. Who knew that dragons liked melted ice cream? 

The town was kind of a mess, people everywhere. I was a little worried about our delivery falling into the wrong hands, but this crowd seemed too distracted by the challenges going on. Fin even did some terrible rap battle challenge before we headed up to the castle. Two golems stopped us, Stoney and Bologne I would later learn. Apparently, only the tournament champion could see the Queen today. Don’t they know who we are? 

Whatever, I suppose I shouldn’t hate the player. Hate the game. I could just hate all the games, I suppose. What a crock piece of dumbassery that archery competition was. Pure dumb luck to try to get an arrow into an apple. Fin was a real champ and pulled out all the stops, but I don’t know a bow string from a rope and things did not go well.

Luckily, the others fared better. Min, who I never would have guessed could do it, won an eating contest. It was extremely impressive, she was downing pies left and right and I’m pretty sure I saw her swallow one whole. She won… against Fin and against a troll/giant thing, I couldn’t quite figure out what it was and didn’t really care. We needed those medals and the team was getting them. Most of the challenges went well for the crew, but I spotted somebody suspicious. With bunny ears.

Yeah. Bunny ears.

I trailed her, like we always do. Nobody was losing me in this crowded space, whether I knew the place or not. Would have been easier back home, but if you’ve seen one crowd you’ve seen them all. They smell bad. They’re loud. And you can spot a suspicious hooded character weaving against the grain from a mile away. Gotcha!

Seems this girl wanted to win the final contest, the strength one. Zoe had come along to find out what was going on and we kept watch to see what was happening. The brute running this challenge was a loud-mouthed slag-off, you know the kind. But he was crafty. The game was rigged, and Zoe had figured it out! You know how I feel about rigged games, and this Bro was just lording it over everybody, all King Hotshot. I was mighty tempted to ensure his skull got some aeration, but we had a mission here. We needed that audience with the Queen.

Now, we could have gone a few ways here, but I was definitely going for the most humiliating one… humiliating for Steroid King over here. The princess wanted that medal really bad and was willing to play along, especially once she knew the game was rigged and we could help. All I wanted was the audience with the Queen, which turned out to be her mom. What are the freaking odds? We wouldn’t win all the medals, but having this scrawny kid show up King Biceps was going to be worth it. We just needed a little magic from Zoe.

That kid really does have a knack for these things, and the next thing I knew it she had somehow disabled the limiter on the bar and augmented the Princess’ strike. The win was hers! Fin managed to show up and slam down a little extra humiliation, just for kicks.

A deal’s a deal, and after that we had our audience with the Queen. That was the good news. 

It felt sort of anti-climactic, after all we went through on the airship, but I suppose that’s how it always is when the adventure comes to an end. You’re just left wondering “what’s next?”

I didn’t have to wonder long, and you probably already know why.

A message had been delivered, for me, to here of all places. Nobody was supposed to know I’m here. It was from an old colleague, Lydia. You remember her? I’m pretty sure you knocked one of her teeth out. I’m sure she would send her regards, if she could. But instead, I got news I didn’t want to hear.  The bad news. Doesn’t sound like Ashen’s asylum is doing well right now.

I hope you’re safe, Penny. I also hope you haven’t started wearing people’s ears as a necklace. Don’t worry, I’ll find you.

Image credit

• Cover image: From Tiny Tina’s Wonderlands by 2K games (Sourced from: https://gamingtrend.com/wp-content/uploads/2022/03/Tiny-Tinas-Wonderlands-Review-IGN-1200×675-1.jpg )